Temperament Corner March/April

By: Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

Before we examine unforgiveness, we must first understand forgiveness.

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness means releasing the offenses others have committed against you.

Many people struggle with forgiveness because they believe it requires them to forget what happened or pretend the injustice did not occur. That is not what forgiveness means.

Forgiveness is choosing peace over bitterness. It does not excuse the wrongdoing. It does not justify the behavior. Instead, it releases you from carrying the emotional burden of the offense.

Forgiveness is not approval — it is freedom.

Scripture teaches us:

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

When Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who sinned against him — up to seven times — Jesus answered:

“I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21–22)

Forgiveness is not optional. It is essential.

Jesus also taught:

“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14–15)

This is a sobering truth. If we refuse to forgive, we hinder our own forgiveness.

We also pray:

“And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us…” (Luke 11:4)

What Forgiveness Is Not

(Adapted from Dr. Sherrie Anderson)

1. Forgiveness is not forgetting. You may remember what happened, but it no longer controls you.

2. Forgiveness is not denying the hurt. It begins by acknowledging that something real and painful occurred.

3. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation requires repentance and rebuilding trust. Forgiveness can occur even if the other person never changes.

4. Forgiveness is not excusing wrongdoing. It does not call sin acceptable. It recognizes the wrong and still chooses release.

5. Forgiveness is not avoiding justice. It means placing justice in God’s hands rather than taking revenge.

6. Forgiveness is not waiting for the pain to disappear. Often, forgiveness is chosen while the wound is still healing.

7. Forgiveness is not letting someone “off the hook.” It is letting yourself off the hook of bitterness and resentment.

8. Forgiveness is not suppressing anger. It involves honestly facing your emotions and surrendering them to God.

9. Forgiveness is not a feeling — it is a choice. Feelings may follow, but forgiveness begins with a decision.

Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness is holding tightly to the offenses others have committed against you.

You have likely heard people say, “I will never forgive.” Even Christians sometimes speak this way.

When people are hurt, angered, or offended, they may seek revenge, withdraw, or justify their anger rather than address the wound.

Some believe they have the “right” to remain angry. Others feel they are punishing the offender by withholding forgiveness.

But Scripture tells us:

“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves… for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord… Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:19–21)

Unforgiveness does not punish the offender — it poisons the heart of the one who carries it.

Results of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness affects a person physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It can result in:

• Emotional turmoil

• Physical stress and suffering

• Spiritual stagnation

• A hindered relationship with the Father (Psalm 66:18)

• Blocked forgiveness (Mark 11:25–26)

When individuals refuse to forgive, they separate themselves from God’s flow of grace.

Forgiveness restores fellowship. Unforgiveness builds walls.

A Matter Of Eternal Consequence

God is not cruel. God is love (Colossians 3:15–17).

He desires redemption, not condemnation. He gives every person the freedom to choose.

Hell is not about God being harsh or vindictive. It is the result of rejecting His love and refusing His way.

We cannot blame God for the consequences of our choices.

Forgiveness is part of walking in His light rather than remaining in darkness.

Counseling Recommendations

When counseling individuals struggling with unforgiveness:

• If they are not saved, ask if they desire to receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

• Teach them about God’s forgiveness through Scripture.

• Pray for the strength to forgive as they have been forgiven.

• Encourage restoration where possible.

• Recommend involvement in Bible study or prayer groups.

• Provide specific Scriptures for meditation.

• Remind them that forgiveness is not optional.

• Teach that forgiveness brings freedom.

• Emphasize that eternal choices have eternal consequences.

• Help them understand that forgiveness does not excuse others’ actions — it protects their own heart.

• Encourage them to release vengeance to the Lord.

Above all, remind them that forgiveness reflects the heart of God.

We are not only counselors and teachers — we are encouragers.

A Deeper Look: The Melancholy Temperament

Those with a melancholy temperament often feel deeply, and because of that, they may struggle more with unforgiveness. Their sensitivity can lead to lingering hurt and a desire for justice or even revenge.

Inclusion (Relationships & Belonging)

Unforgiveness may stem from:

• Betrayal or exposed trust

• Criticism or disapproval

• Being embarrassed or humiliated

• Long-standing family conflicts

Control (Power & Decision-Making)

Triggers may include:

• Being deceived or manipulated

• Feeling controlled by others

• Rejection of ideas or leadership

Affection (Love & Deep Connection)

Pain may come from:

• Infidelity

• Rejected love or affection

• Deep personal violations, such as abuse

In each of these areas, the temptation is the same: to hold onto the hurt rather than release it.

Conclusion

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision.

Unforgiveness binds. Forgiveness frees.

To forgive is to walk in obedience, reflect Christ’s character, and protect your own heart from destruction.

We must move from darkness into light.

We must release revenge to God.

We must choose forgiveness.

Because forgiveness is freedom.

Dr. Phyllis Arno

Co-Founder of NCCA